Brooklyn Bringing Sexy Back to World Records

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By Muhammad Bilal Lakhani

The world record for the shortest time to whistle the tune of “The Lady is a Tramp” while doing a yoga pose was set in Brooklyn Thursday night. The record holder is Esther Crow, who came to Brooklyn all the way from Miami and completed the feat in 30.06 seconds. Tears welled in her eyes.

She was one of a dozen people to come to Littlefield, a combination bar and performance space in Gowanus, to participate in a “World Record Appreciation Society” event. Sponsored by Universal Record Database, a Manhattan firm, this was an occasion to celebrate self-esteem in front of a live audience.

“Our core philosophy is that everyone can be the world’s best at something,” said Dan Rollman, URDB’s founder and president.

Rollman opened the evening by introducing Mark Malkoff, who performed such “extraordinary feats” as living in Ikea for a week and being carried the longest distance on other people’s shoulders (Staten Island ferry to Harlem). Tonight, Malkoff was attempting to set the world record for the longest time talking to one’s mom on the phone while sitting on someone’s shoulder.

There was a reason he needed to go first.

“My mom goes to sleep at 8 p.m.,” said Malkoff, who seemed to enjoy the spotlight. “I asked her to stay up till 9 so I could set this record.”

Well over a hundred people had gathered to see history in the making. People did not chat with each other. Instead, they watched, rapt.

“When was the last time you called your mom?” someone asked.

“This morning,” Malkoff replied, “to make sure she stays up.”

Rollman bent down and Malkoff climbed onto his shoulders. He nervously fiddled with his cell phone.

“Dad?” he said. “Where’s mom?”

“She went to sleep already,” his father replied.

It was 8:45 p.m.

With wisdom that can only come with experience, Malkoff proposed changing his world record on the spot to longest time talking to one’s dad on the phone while sitting on someone’s shoulders. An assistant made amendments to the paperwork after the host and judge agreed to this last minute change of plan.

“We’re normal people,” said Ben Greenman, an editor at the New Yorker, who came in the hope of setting the world record for the fastest time taken to name a Rolling Stones song for each letter of the alphabet. His challenge was made all the more difficult when a member of the audience was allowed to choose the letters randomly by pulling them out of a glass.

David Sax, already a record holder for the most Jewish Delis named in a minute, wanted to set a second record that was, curiously enough, beatable.

“It’s not fun having a record that no one can beat,” he said. “It’s like having a secret friend that no one knows about. I want to set a record that can challenge others to beat it. I want it to inspire people.”

So he decided to set a world record for the fastest time to blend four bananas and make a smoothie. He managed to do so in 42.5 seconds. The celebratory music on stage lent a reality TV feel to the whole affair — except, this was actually happening for real.

Rollman congratulated Sax on going where no human had gone before and used the opportunity to throw a challenge to the audience: could anyone come on stage right now to beat this record?

Tony, a professional chef, took him on.

“Is there any advantage you feel you have over David?” asked Rollman, who was wearing a yellow suit.

“Yes, I think I can move my hips a little bit better,” said Tony, as the crowd cheered him on.

“Ooh! Trash talk… this could get ugly,” said Rollman.

In the end, Tony managed to blend four bananas and make a smoothie in 35.6 seconds, breaking Sax’s record by almost seven seconds. After the judge certified the results through a “chunk inspection of the smoothie,” Sax was asked to hand over his URDB world record holder badge to Tony.

To an uninitiated eye, the most obvious question in the room was simply if these people had gone nuts.

But to the participants, the night had a very different meaning. “I took what the world gave me,” said Sax. “And I turned it into a record, because everyone has a record inside them.”

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